What will be known as The Christmas Tree Incident:
One evening, nearly two years ago, during the first week of December I decided to set up our Christmas tree. Growing up the daughter of a highly talented woman who is a designer by profession and whose trees are the talk of the county, my desire for a beautiful tree burns deeply in my soul. However, being the young wife of a college student and the mommy to two beautiful babies who came into this world costing quite the pretty penny...extra money for tree decorations, or even a pre-lit tree was out of the question to my frugal hubby. This stirred up quite the bitter resentment and frustration in me while I fumbled around with this 20+ year old tree with branches snapping off right and left and an armful of tangled non-working/working lights. My arms were covered in scratches and smeared blood from the deeper scratches. I was tired, angry and not making headway with the lights or the tree for that matter. Plus, my husband was completely ignoring my tantrum thus making me even more angry, and I just knew that even if I got this part pulled off, my tree would never look like the Martha Stewart dream tree I had in my mind. Frustration was growing, my husband and I had already had the money fight that day, I was soooo sick of always giving up and giving in, always settling, living a life I didn't feel I had any say in. Then, another branch broke off...
One evening, nearly two years ago, during the first week of December I decided to set up our Christmas tree. Growing up the daughter of a highly talented woman who is a designer by profession and whose trees are the talk of the county, my desire for a beautiful tree burns deeply in my soul. However, being the young wife of a college student and the mommy to two beautiful babies who came into this world costing quite the pretty penny...extra money for tree decorations, or even a pre-lit tree was out of the question to my frugal hubby. This stirred up quite the bitter resentment and frustration in me while I fumbled around with this 20+ year old tree with branches snapping off right and left and an armful of tangled non-working/working lights. My arms were covered in scratches and smeared blood from the deeper scratches. I was tired, angry and not making headway with the lights or the tree for that matter. Plus, my husband was completely ignoring my tantrum thus making me even more angry, and I just knew that even if I got this part pulled off, my tree would never look like the Martha Stewart dream tree I had in my mind. Frustration was growing, my husband and I had already had the money fight that day, I was soooo sick of always giving up and giving in, always settling, living a life I didn't feel I had any say in. Then, another branch broke off...
aaaaand...
I lost it.
No, I am serious. I really lost it. After screaming at my husband for who knows what, I stormed out the door off into the dark with no intention of coming back. Ever.
Note***This is where my story gets very personal. Details are left short and vague for my protection.
As I drove up into the foothills of a local city, I went through each stage of emotion, sadness, anger, hopelessness, anger, sorrow, anger... I finally found a feeling I identified as peace. "Peace", because I had decided that ending my life was the only way to stop feeling, to stop the cycle for good, and that feeling was a very "peaceful" feeling to me. I played through every suicide scene I could play out in my mind, each ending in how it would effect someone else, what little emotion I had left, the emotion of fear, was directed on who would find me, would I hurt someone else in my attempt, what if I didn't do it right and just ended up costing my husband more in medical bills and time off work, would my kids grow up hating Christmas??? After an hour of so of working out the details, I formulated a plan of some sort, I knew I needed to get a few things cleared up first. I had to help my family understand and it needed to be timed correctly. I chose to go home and write a couple letters to my children, husband and parents to help them understand. I was completly committed to ending my life and I believed with nearly all of my heart that this was the right thing to do for my family. I believed I was doing this FOR my family and I believed that was why I was feeling "peace".
After I got home I made my way up to my room, shut the door and started writing. I finished my letters and got ready to head out again. Only, awaiting me in the hallway was my husband.
After hours of talking me down, small bits logic started entering their way into my mind and as I entered back into my body, then the panic attacks hit, and then eventually I came to the hard realization of what I was really doing to my husband. I was seriously hurting him. Obviously, my freak out had nothing to do with a silly tree. I have been having these "episodes" for years. My husband is the world's most patient man, perhaps a little too patient, but I had finally exhausted him. For the first time, I quit looking at him as an object and I saw him. A man with true fear and pain in in his eyes. I could see he was exhausted. That night he told me if I didn't get help, he was going to talk to someone. He couldn't take me on alone anymore. I think this was when we both really realized just how big of a problem this really was and that something had to change.
After a few days of thawing out, as I like to call it, (this is where the numbness I create starts to wear off) the tree was set up and looking lovely, I was feeling back to "normal" and my cuts were healing. This has been the usual pattern in my life thus far, but this time was different. I had an awareness with me of the pain I was afflicting on my family and the reality of the life (or lack of life) I was creating. I knew I had some serious patterns that needed some changing, and change needed to happen quickly. Something had to give.
But where to start?
But where to start?
Healing
Obviously, the Christmas Tree wasn't some abrupt evil force that turned me into an irrational, self-destructive person. In fact, I hesitated sharing that story because it was quite the ridiculous example of how quickly I could snap, but I share because it was THE turning point. I have been following in these patterns for years...I mean years. I have had moderate to severe anxiety my whole life, I come from a genetic pool of depression, manic depression, suicide, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder. Panic attacks have become such a part of my life that I forget not everyone has them! I've taken my spins with depression medications and I hate the way they make me feel. The side effects weren't worth it and I was lousy at taking pills consistently, which lets face it, is extremely counter productive. I am genuinely a happy and passionate person by nature, medication took that away from me. At the time of the Christmas Tree incident I was getting to the real lows very quickly. I was ready to give in, it was my only hope for relief. Honestly, death was always on my mind. I was that tired of fighting off my mind. I had a 9 month old baby and a 2 year old with some minor special needs. I was just getting through postpartum and I was infected with the Cytomegalovirus and Epstein-Barr Virus just a month after giving birth (which took about a full year to recover from) and my husband was working full time and going to school full time. I was exhausted physically and emotionally and was working overtime to keep up appearances. I wasn't asking for help, I wasn't sharing how I was feeling, I wasn't admitting much of anything to anyone, including myself. I had my "all is well" face perfected.
Knowing something had to give, I put some serious thought into what I wanted to do. I was already seeing a counselor and while I could see small little break throughs, I wasn't on a path to healing. I felt like every time we talked it would take so long to get my barrier down that by the time our session was over I was just left feeling terrible and full of anxiety. The best way I can describe it is like paying someone come to your house, go through your entire house gathering all the garbage they can find and dumping it all in your living room, leaving you to sort it out. Then re-scheduling to do it all again next week. I'm not saying it doesn't work. I have seen therapy and counseling work for others around me. I know it can work. I'm sure that eventually, with time, there would be less garbage to find and it will become easier to clean up, however, at this time, for whatever reason this method just working for me.
My sister-in-law, who I had become very close to, is a fabulous hair dresser and has become well trained in the art of listening and offering up fantastic advice. She fondly calls it "Hairapy". This I knew about her. What I didn't fully know was that she had been trained at the Institute of Healing Arts, taken many classes in energy work and was starting her certification in this wild thing called Body Talk. While I didn't really understand what it was she did, I had nothing else to lose. I completely trusted her and so I decided to do a session with her. This was the start of my transformation. Session by session, I was literally taking out the emotional trash for good. I was clearing out years of crap that I had been holding on to not only emotionally, but physically as well (no pun intended). Things were changing in me. Since then, two years later, her certification and training has greatly expanded and I have continued on with sessions, each session doing something new and wonderful for me, peeling off the next layer. In addition to working through some serious emotional issues that I had allowed to hold me hostage. I have had work done for anxiety, infections, abdominal pain, tendon pain, IUD complications, kidney stones, migraines, CMV and Epstein Barr. My children have had such success with energy work as well. We have used it for sleep problems, immunization reactions, emotional stress, anxiety, acid reflex, flu bugs generational issues and for when things are just out of wack and crazy at out house! I have such a strong love for this work. I cannot explain how it works exactly but, I cannot deny the results. The truth of it has been proven to me time after time. All I can say, is that I have such a strong conviction that our bodies and our minds are so much more powerful than we even know.
Creating something new
Clearing out some emotional baggage was HUGE for me and continues to be, but without replacing it with some new patterns I could see how easy it would be to go back to old ways. I was still having some lows, although they were successfully getting further and farther apart. I was ready to fill that void.
Enter Outlook Development.
I was invited to a 3 day seminar called The Power of Choice by my seriously wonderful sister-in-law. Yup, same one. Honestly, I have a lifetime of gratitude for her and her beautiful influence in my life. During the course of this seminar I had my mind blown. I learned how and why I think the way I do. I learned how to be accountable for the choices I have made that created the situations I have found myself in. I learned that abundance is out there, just waiting to be tapped in to, and if I want it...I can have it! I learned everything in my life is perfect just the way it is, always has been, always will be. Most powerfully, I learned the truth about me. I saw myself the way my maker see's me. Perfect just as I am, living the life I am intended to live.
After my awakening experience with The Power of Choice, I knew I wanted more and I was ready to make these tools I had just learned permanent fixtures in my life. So, I, along with my wonderful husband chose into the next Outlook Development class.
90 Days of Power
Power 90 is a success attainment system. In the beginning you set a goal. A goal that is a fine balance between outrageously big and attainable. Throughout the 90 days, Outlook teaches you a system that takes the tools you learned in The Power of Choice, expanding them and assists you in conquering that goal. In the end it really isn't about the goal, it is about the lifestyle they are teaching you to create for yourself.
21 days to make a habit, 90 days to make a lifestyle.
I can totally do 90 days!
My goal?
To become a powerful and fearless woman who creates and lives my passions while maintaining peace and balance in my life.
Essentially, what I wanted was to rid myself of paralyzing anxiety, to free myself from self destructive thoughts and patterns. To really LOVE life, and to love being a mom and wife. To live my passions freely, to exterminate feelings of inadequacy, to start living the life I wanted. And, to do it all with balance and peace.
A stretch for me? Yes. But, I was ready for anything.
Forward 90 days later.
My life is changed. Seriously, those things that I wanted, are now just the truth about me.
It is just what I do.
I am now free.
I am now at peace.
Genuine peace.
I can honestly say I have completely changed, and yet for the first time in my life, I am finally being myself.
3 months ago, I couldn't even tell you what my authentic self looked like. Now that i am living as my authentic self I now know,
That I am solidly living my purpose.
That I am more powerful than my DNA.
That I am strong, capable and brave.
That no matter what happens, I am always safe.
That I am so so so loved.
Life still happens.
My kids fight and I lose my temper with them.
Just today after countless fighting, Maddy hit Ben and pushed him off her bed leaving him with a large goose egg for evidence. I lost my temper. As, I have been trying to write this I have had multiple melt downs at my feet, and tonight the kids went to bed swiftly both in tears, because I was d-o-n-e... Had it, my layer of patience completely worn thin. I was in tears of overwhelm today.
The difference now is that I can still play peace in the crazy mommy situations. I don't feel guilt and shame and label myself as a "bad mom" when we have days like this. I do actively work (note the word WORK) on stopping myself before I blow, I take deep breaths and talk it through or remove them or myself from the situation and take their acting out as a need for my presence.
I don't spend all of my day dedicated solely to my children. And that is totally okay! I have time dedicated to doing what I need and what I want to do. My kids don't get me all the time, but when they do get me, they do get to know that they are important enough to have a 100% of me. They get a completely present mom.
(This is still a work in progress, some days are better than others!)
Jon and I don't always see eye to eye.
The difference now is that we are speaking the same language. We know HOW to communicate in a way each other understands. We both CHOOSE to play peace at our house, and wow, is that making a difference.
I still don't love driving.
But I live in Utah, so most of you can understand. The difference is, I don't let the fear of driving keep me from going the places I want to go and doing the things I want to do. I breathe in and let the fear go and buckle up!
I still feel judgement from others and still find myself placing judgment on others.
However, now I know that judgment will always happen and that others judgments about me actually have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And it doesn't make anyone a bad person, it is just a reflection of what is going on with them at that time. It is just how they are showing up that day. Myself very much included.
My house gets messy. My brain gets tired. I can go a whole day without putting on a bra or brushing my hair. Some days, my kids watch more TV than any kid ever should. Some weeks we have McDonalds for dinner more than once. Sometimes my feet stick to the kitchen floor. Sometimes my husband has no clean underwear.Some days we can't eat at the kitchen table because it is covered with ribbon, rhinestones and headbands.
The fact is, some days I still get completely overwhelmed with life.
The difference now is that I have a fancy mental tool belt lined with proven tools to get me through anything. And to get me through it peacefully.
All I get to do, is CHOOSE to take hold of that tool and use it.
It is that simple.
I could share and share and share here, and I intend to, but I will leave that for other posts for other days.
I am passionate about this program and about the wonderful things that are happening in my life because of it. I have the writings in my journals to serve as a solemn reminder of where I was, and looking back today, I cannot even believe I was ever that person. It was my reality. I had created it and I was being destroyed by it. But today, IT no longer defines me.
My worth is inherent, and not defined by anything I do or have done or will do in the future. I have lived the life I was intended to live, and will continue to do just that. There is nothing so constant as change, and I am ever changing. Ever evolving, ever transforming, but never going back.
I have allowed fear to reign over me. I have let it keep me locked away from the world, I have let it physically terrorize my body, I have let it keep me from making and keeping friends, I have let it teach me how to play small in my life and playing small has resulted in many missed opportunities. And yet, I have a sincere gratitude for fear. If you remember back to my Christmas Tree story, it was fear that actually saved my life, and so I thank fear for its postive influence in my life. Even a seemingly negative emotion has its purpose to fulfill.
My final step in my 90 day goal was to really STRETCH myself and prove it! I did some driving to Salt Lake several times and I rode my first and then some roller coasters at Lagoon, including Wicked, which was...awesome!!! I challenged my negative belief that I am not enough and mentored at the last Power of Choice seminar and had an incredible experience there. And most recently...
Knowing something had to give, I put some serious thought into what I wanted to do. I was already seeing a counselor and while I could see small little break throughs, I wasn't on a path to healing. I felt like every time we talked it would take so long to get my barrier down that by the time our session was over I was just left feeling terrible and full of anxiety. The best way I can describe it is like paying someone come to your house, go through your entire house gathering all the garbage they can find and dumping it all in your living room, leaving you to sort it out. Then re-scheduling to do it all again next week. I'm not saying it doesn't work. I have seen therapy and counseling work for others around me. I know it can work. I'm sure that eventually, with time, there would be less garbage to find and it will become easier to clean up, however, at this time, for whatever reason this method just working for me.
My sister-in-law, who I had become very close to, is a fabulous hair dresser and has become well trained in the art of listening and offering up fantastic advice. She fondly calls it "Hairapy". This I knew about her. What I didn't fully know was that she had been trained at the Institute of Healing Arts, taken many classes in energy work and was starting her certification in this wild thing called Body Talk. While I didn't really understand what it was she did, I had nothing else to lose. I completely trusted her and so I decided to do a session with her. This was the start of my transformation. Session by session, I was literally taking out the emotional trash for good. I was clearing out years of crap that I had been holding on to not only emotionally, but physically as well (no pun intended). Things were changing in me. Since then, two years later, her certification and training has greatly expanded and I have continued on with sessions, each session doing something new and wonderful for me, peeling off the next layer. In addition to working through some serious emotional issues that I had allowed to hold me hostage. I have had work done for anxiety, infections, abdominal pain, tendon pain, IUD complications, kidney stones, migraines, CMV and Epstein Barr. My children have had such success with energy work as well. We have used it for sleep problems, immunization reactions, emotional stress, anxiety, acid reflex, flu bugs generational issues and for when things are just out of wack and crazy at out house! I have such a strong love for this work. I cannot explain how it works exactly but, I cannot deny the results. The truth of it has been proven to me time after time. All I can say, is that I have such a strong conviction that our bodies and our minds are so much more powerful than we even know.
Creating something new
Clearing out some emotional baggage was HUGE for me and continues to be, but without replacing it with some new patterns I could see how easy it would be to go back to old ways. I was still having some lows, although they were successfully getting further and farther apart. I was ready to fill that void.
Enter Outlook Development.
I was invited to a 3 day seminar called The Power of Choice by my seriously wonderful sister-in-law. Yup, same one. Honestly, I have a lifetime of gratitude for her and her beautiful influence in my life. During the course of this seminar I had my mind blown. I learned how and why I think the way I do. I learned how to be accountable for the choices I have made that created the situations I have found myself in. I learned that abundance is out there, just waiting to be tapped in to, and if I want it...I can have it! I learned everything in my life is perfect just the way it is, always has been, always will be. Most powerfully, I learned the truth about me. I saw myself the way my maker see's me. Perfect just as I am, living the life I am intended to live.
After my awakening experience with The Power of Choice, I knew I wanted more and I was ready to make these tools I had just learned permanent fixtures in my life. So, I, along with my wonderful husband chose into the next Outlook Development class.
90 Days of Power
Power 90 is a success attainment system. In the beginning you set a goal. A goal that is a fine balance between outrageously big and attainable. Throughout the 90 days, Outlook teaches you a system that takes the tools you learned in The Power of Choice, expanding them and assists you in conquering that goal. In the end it really isn't about the goal, it is about the lifestyle they are teaching you to create for yourself.
21 days to make a habit, 90 days to make a lifestyle.
I can totally do 90 days!
My goal?
To become a powerful and fearless woman who creates and lives my passions while maintaining peace and balance in my life.
Essentially, what I wanted was to rid myself of paralyzing anxiety, to free myself from self destructive thoughts and patterns. To really LOVE life, and to love being a mom and wife. To live my passions freely, to exterminate feelings of inadequacy, to start living the life I wanted. And, to do it all with balance and peace.
A stretch for me? Yes. But, I was ready for anything.
Forward 90 days later.
My life is changed. Seriously, those things that I wanted, are now just the truth about me.
It is just what I do.
I am now free.
I am now at peace.
Genuine peace.
I can honestly say I have completely changed, and yet for the first time in my life, I am finally being myself.
3 months ago, I couldn't even tell you what my authentic self looked like. Now that i am living as my authentic self I now know,
That I am solidly living my purpose.
That I am more powerful than my DNA.
That I am strong, capable and brave.
That no matter what happens, I am always safe.
That I am so so so loved.
Life still happens.
My kids fight and I lose my temper with them.
Just today after countless fighting, Maddy hit Ben and pushed him off her bed leaving him with a large goose egg for evidence. I lost my temper. As, I have been trying to write this I have had multiple melt downs at my feet, and tonight the kids went to bed swiftly both in tears, because I was d-o-n-e... Had it, my layer of patience completely worn thin. I was in tears of overwhelm today.
The difference now is that I can still play peace in the crazy mommy situations. I don't feel guilt and shame and label myself as a "bad mom" when we have days like this. I do actively work (note the word WORK) on stopping myself before I blow, I take deep breaths and talk it through or remove them or myself from the situation and take their acting out as a need for my presence.
I don't spend all of my day dedicated solely to my children. And that is totally okay! I have time dedicated to doing what I need and what I want to do. My kids don't get me all the time, but when they do get me, they do get to know that they are important enough to have a 100% of me. They get a completely present mom.
(This is still a work in progress, some days are better than others!)
Jon and I don't always see eye to eye.
The difference now is that we are speaking the same language. We know HOW to communicate in a way each other understands. We both CHOOSE to play peace at our house, and wow, is that making a difference.
I still don't love driving.
But I live in Utah, so most of you can understand. The difference is, I don't let the fear of driving keep me from going the places I want to go and doing the things I want to do. I breathe in and let the fear go and buckle up!
I still feel judgement from others and still find myself placing judgment on others.
However, now I know that judgment will always happen and that others judgments about me actually have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And it doesn't make anyone a bad person, it is just a reflection of what is going on with them at that time. It is just how they are showing up that day. Myself very much included.
My house gets messy. My brain gets tired. I can go a whole day without putting on a bra or brushing my hair. Some days, my kids watch more TV than any kid ever should. Some weeks we have McDonalds for dinner more than once. Sometimes my feet stick to the kitchen floor. Sometimes my husband has no clean underwear.Some days we can't eat at the kitchen table because it is covered with ribbon, rhinestones and headbands.
The fact is, some days I still get completely overwhelmed with life.
The difference now is that I have a fancy mental tool belt lined with proven tools to get me through anything. And to get me through it peacefully.
All I get to do, is CHOOSE to take hold of that tool and use it.
It is that simple.
I could share and share and share here, and I intend to, but I will leave that for other posts for other days.
I am passionate about this program and about the wonderful things that are happening in my life because of it. I have the writings in my journals to serve as a solemn reminder of where I was, and looking back today, I cannot even believe I was ever that person. It was my reality. I had created it and I was being destroyed by it. But today, IT no longer defines me.
My worth is inherent, and not defined by anything I do or have done or will do in the future. I have lived the life I was intended to live, and will continue to do just that. There is nothing so constant as change, and I am ever changing. Ever evolving, ever transforming, but never going back.
I have allowed fear to reign over me. I have let it keep me locked away from the world, I have let it physically terrorize my body, I have let it keep me from making and keeping friends, I have let it teach me how to play small in my life and playing small has resulted in many missed opportunities. And yet, I have a sincere gratitude for fear. If you remember back to my Christmas Tree story, it was fear that actually saved my life, and so I thank fear for its postive influence in my life. Even a seemingly negative emotion has its purpose to fulfill.
My final step in my 90 day goal was to really STRETCH myself and prove it! I did some driving to Salt Lake several times and I rode my first and then some roller coasters at Lagoon, including Wicked, which was...awesome!!! I challenged my negative belief that I am not enough and mentored at the last Power of Choice seminar and had an incredible experience there. And most recently...
took my adventures to the sky
And went SKY DIVING.
I was a little pre-occupied in thought that morning and forgot my beautiful zoom lens,
so these pics are courtesy of my phone.
Sky Diving was AMAZING!!! Seriously, so incredibly fun. I am addicted. I cannot wait to go again! This time I will be saving up for video too! The plane ride was the hardest part, watching below as we went up each additional 1,000 feet got me a really nervous. However, when it came time to place my feet out over the edge out of the plane, I was ready. It was go time and I was excited! When you are free falling at 120MPH you have no choice but to be completely present living in that moment. When you see the earth the way God see's the earth, gratitude feels your heart just as it does when you land safely! For me, this experience was proof that I am now truly alive and I am actively living and loving life.
And not to brag or anything, but I totally stuck my landing.
Going Forward
One's transformation is never complete.
This post comes from my desire to share and to rid myself from the hold my past has had on me. From now on my blog will serve as an invitation to others going through anything I have gone through or anyone who is living a life of resistance, to know that there is hope. There is always a pathway to peace and a road to something better. My way is just one way.
There is no medal of honor for standing alone in your trials.
With my desire to share, comes my desire to effectively communicate with my heart. And so readers, I open my heart to you. My transformation is rapidly evolving, and I have a lot to share. I invite you along on my journey, but please be kind and respectful to me and my family. I have opened myself up greatly with this post and I consider it a great risk. If you have questions, please ask freely. If you have a comment, please share. I sincerely appreciate hearing from you. If you have a sarcastic remark...I too have a sense of humor, but again...kindness is key. If you feel the need to complain, this is not the place.
Thank you for sharing my journey.
For more information on Body Talk and my Sister, visit:
If you would like more information about Outlook Development or my experiences,
I would love to talk to you,
send me an e-mail at ginglancaster@gmail.com
bw.jpg)
